After a year of success at work at my new job, I became complacent. Consequently, I messed up, and it cost my school a couple of adult students. I learned about this during a meeting at work on Wednesday, and it's been eating me since then. I've been so angry at myself, it has infected everthing I do, even the PCP. My cravings are up--although they are not specific. My urges to just quit and go hide under some coats until I feel better are up as well. My bosses were disappointed, but still support me. Me, I feel like dirt.
I know we all mess up sometimes, and I think it's necessary, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I've never been good at taking criticism or accepting my imperfections as a human being. Who is? But for me, screwing up like this and finding out my shit stinks as much as the next guy is a poison that takes so long to get out of my system. I haven't been hungry. I haven't had the focus I had prior to the incident. It all sucks. Plus, I have to teach these students until the end of the month all the time carrying the knowledge I failed them.
My wife came to my rescue yesterday, and helped me slow down and get out of the angry place I was in for a while. However, my PCP efforts are or at least feel substandard. I couldn't finsih my leg lifts today or yesterday. However, I find some peace in my jump rope. The rhythm, the counting, and the music, gives me some temporary calm.
Am I giving up on the PCP? No way. But this is definitely a low point for me. I'm just glad the PCP has nothing to do with it.
More tomorrow,
Sean
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Thanks for sharing this with us. I think we've all been in that spot at some point where you know you've made a mistake, but you still have to live the repercussions of that mistake for a while. It sucks but I hope that you'll find having something like the PCP as an alternate focus will help you get through that.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are in the healthy place of reflecting and understanding why things happened and what you can learn from them. Hang in there!
Sheesh sounds like a good motivator to finish that book and start making royalties so you don't have to worry what odor your shit has...
ReplyDeleteHah! Patrick, you are soooooo right!
ReplyDeleteOye. It's great that you see PCP as separate and can use your exercise to build back up that confidence.
ReplyDeleteSorry you had to go through that, it is a yucky feeling.
Tomorrow will be a bit brighter.
Oh, man, back when I was getting the headaches, I considered quitting. Now I'm so glad I didn't; the PCP has become a rhythm in my life that I do not want to give up.
ReplyDeleteYou guys sure are a genki group.
ReplyDelete